IELTS WRITING assessment and Suggestions - 1

In most countries disabled people are not catered for adequately, e.g. buildings are often inappropriately designed. Governments rely too heavily on charities and voluntary organisations to provide assistance and funding.
What further measures could be taken to assist disabled people?
Discuss.

It is unbelievable {use word “implausible” instead because you have to show your lexical range} but true that in many countries disabled people are not catered for adequately {are not cared for/looked after becomingly: try to not you use words from the query statement in opening Para}. In other words, disabled people are not been {no need of been here} provided with the proper facilities and they have to depend on other's to get their routine work done. Though a disabled person can discuss the matter more efficiently, I too have strong opinion about the issue which will be {made} abundantly (considerably: always keep a margin) clear in the later paragraphs of this essay.

As per my point of view, I feel that though there are lot{lots} of facilities granted to physically disabled people by government: for example, reservation in government sector jobs and reduction in travelling fares etc.{,} But {yet: after ‘though’ we use a comma and yet}just providing such kind of facilities will not serve the whole purpose to cater disable people. Still, there is lot more which is required to be done.{:}Such as, special arrangaments should be made with no extra charges at airports, railway stations etc; to make the journey of handicapped persons hassle free. Also, official and residential{s} bulidings should be designed by keeping the disabled people in mind.


Furthermore, it is also necessary to{better say: it is imperative too to say} know the real difficulties faced by physically challenged{spell error} people by directly interacting with them. My intention to say this is that only a disabled person is able to express problems suffered by him or her in a better way. And then this information collected,{no need of comma here} should be implemented to our system.

After doing great deal of thought and deliberations{be careful about spell errors} with myself about the topic{,}{after mulling over/pondering over a great deal} I come to a conclusion that disabled persons do not need our sympathy{,} and it is duty of each individual to give them morale support. Also{,} disabled persons have to make the attitude of "Never Say Die" , which will inturn{in turn} make our planet more healthier.
BAND: 7.0
well done,
Riten keep me in your prayers,

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